doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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