I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
