you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
