i already hear my dad disowning me
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
