Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Shitshow foam night was such a success
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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