It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
