If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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