If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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