genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
