11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
