you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
