I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
