i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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