he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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