You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
