A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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