I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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