theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
