too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
