I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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