So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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