Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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