I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
