I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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