Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
