id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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