i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
