There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
