Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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