when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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