Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
