dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
