So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
