the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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