somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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