and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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