i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
