i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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