currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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