I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
