mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
