omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
