I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
