Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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