i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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