My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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