I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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