I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
