There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
