I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
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