Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize
